Embracing my high sensitivity

“Highly sensitive - please note this is a positive thing.”

Last night I had a moment. On the third anniversary of the murder of George Floyd, I joined the @decolonizingtherapy Energetics of Exhaustion session — because I’ve been feeling it, exhaustion, despite currently working fewer hours in any week than for the past 12 years juggling too many jobs and gigs all the time. Dr. Jennifer Mullan was reading us some traits we may identify with. One corner of the slide read “Highly sensitive” with a note underneath saying, “Please note this is a positive thing.”

I’ve always been a highly sensitive human. And it has always been a trait I have a tough relationship with. On the one end, I know caring about stuff can’t be wrong. I care that my taxes fund genocide, I care that Black and Brown bodies are disappeared, murdered, and imprisoned at a higher rate than others, I care that our elders are the largest growing homeless population, I care that trans folks are under attack,  I care that our home, the Earth, is being extracted to death, I care that the class gap continues to get wider, I care that f@cism is rising and there’s literally no consensus or plan to stop it, I care that all we consume comes from exploitation, I care that my friends are struggling, I care about my family who needs my support, I care about those who have less opportunities than I do. I am also highly sensitive to my own issues, of course, my ever-growing student loans, will I ever retire, will I ever be able to fully support my elders? Namely, I give many fucks. I also often feel so powerless to make a difference, I even try to shove my feelings somewhere in a dark corner of my existence and find temporary distractions to cope. 

I sometimes just wish I were happy-go-lucky, ignorant of all that this reality is. Because by caring, I hurt. Living in a violent system where money is king, and people are disposable, how are we supposed to be mentally well? Even if we have the privilege of being housed, fed, and clothed…why isn’t that true for everyone else?  How could we cope with this reality if it weren’t because it keeps us distracted from itself?  But not for highly sensitive folks. We feel. Deeply. We cannot ignore what is, and we cannot separate our feelings from those of the people around us, and from those of Earth.

At the same time, as a highly sensitive human, I find joy contagious. I cannot see someone smile without smiling myself. I cannot see children play without feeling that same playful joy. I can’t see a thriving landscape without feeling at peace. Ultimately, I cannot overlook this side of my sensitivity.

So yesterday, as Dr. Jennifer spoke, “THIS IS A POSITIVE THING” kept bouncing in my head. I finally started to reframe it, my high sensitivity. High sensitivity must be the access to that interconnectedness amongst all living beings where, as my Indigenous teachers say, if the land hurts, we all hurt (just some of us feel it and notice it more). This is my connection to all living beings - animal, mineral, mycelial, cosmic - and while I’ve been resistant to allowing myself to feel all the feels, what would it look like to leverage this power to connect deeply with all who are? What would it feel like to feel with others instead of on my own? How could I transform this awareness and connection into action?

It’s going to take my whole life to figure it out, but at the least, I’m starting to truly embrace this part of myself no longer as a burden, but as a gift.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. There is no denying we are in a collective and global mental health crisis. Find resources and more information via The National Council for Mental Wellbeing.